Thank you from Hong Kong

Today I am choking through record levels of pollution and as I write this my eyes are literally burning so bad I can barely type through the tears. I know that it seems like I have been missing in action, and it is likely that this will be one of my lasts post from Hong Kong. It is sad that my last days here will be spent in death smog, but even through the haze of pollution (which is by anyone’s account is dangerous and disgusting) I can see my goal clearly, and my mission is to get my butt home!

Read more about pollution in Hong Kong

But despite the toxic air, and the myriad of unpleasant smells, I am still smiling (on the inside only, because I don’t want the chunks in the air to break my ‘teefs out). So, it is  getting time to say goodbye to the American Somnambulist, but, before I leave this wacky place let me show some gratitude and say thank you! Just in case I can't get the time or energy to post one last time - let me get the important stuff out there!

First of all, I have to say a huge THANK YOU to my friends and family that traveled many miles (and in coach class no less) to hang with me in Hong Kong. To all of you who came to my crazy apartment, ate strange things and had to boil your drinking water - I can't tell you how much that means to me!  For all the new friends, my incredible co-workers and  all the others I have met along the way --I also owe a debt of thanks to you for making me laugh, getting me through the rough patches and giving me some fantastic stories (great, like I need more of those)!

Jeffrey: You are the coolest cat in Kowloon, (cue the Little Boots) -

and tell those pushy jerks you don't need a $#*!@ tailored suit or a damn copy watch! 

 Harajuku Haley: Hanging with the hair clique kids in Tokyo - you rock!

Everything you ever told me about Japan was totally true!

Brennan and Ann: Great travelers, brave eaters, and discriminating shoppers,

we must be related! Thanks to the McEwan clan for spending

Thanksgiving with Autie Monkey.

Michael: New Year's Eve in Hong Kong - what was up (or not up) with those fireworks?!

I have thrown up more exciting stuff - doesn't matter. "Cool Breeze", you always make

my world a colorful and happy place!

Alex: Who "IS NOT CHINESE" already!!! - Thanks for the wine, the pasta and laughs-

sorry for the Nip Tuck addiction! Glad you enjoyed some down time in HK

Caitlin and Rob - OMG -I am grateful  for your spirit of adventure

 excellent sense of humor and endless hospitality

Keep on 'Smugglin' -see you soon!

Crystal: You are way more adventurous then anyone

gives you credit for - you make me proud!

Bob: Enjoy it all - take care of my little corner of the word for me!

Yumiko-san: You are the lovliest person and the best hostess
on earth! Thank you for all your wonderful company and showing
amazing Japan!

Suchael, Amy, Deborah, Yumiko-san, and So-Sum: Thanks

for teaching me so much! I couldn't have done it without you!

 And saving the best for last!!!!

Mike: To my most supportive husband, sorry you had to

eat so much frozen pizza. I love you like crazy and

missed you like hell!  I can't wait to be home again!

Gumbo: I promise I didn't buy you anymore stupid

outfits at the market. I hate that I have to wait a few more

days to rub your belly!

Christmas is coming, I should be going

Less than a week until I head back to the United States for the Christmas holiday. It has been hard to reconcile that it is already Christmas time. With none of my usual seasonal cues my mind just hasn’t processed it all; I mean without A Charlie Brown Christmas I am totally lost. Not to say that there aren’t Christmas decorations everywhere, I mean Hong Kong is a very retail oriented place and probably the only reason there aren’t more holiday decorations and such is that it would actually get in the way of the mobs and the merchandise they desire.

 Still Hong Kong is not a place I associate with Christmas at this point in my life. The other night I saw this red blob floating above my head – I was stymied for a minute thinking “what the hell is that thing” until I realized it was actually Santa Claus, a cheerfully weary, retro styled, beer swilling Santa Claus. It did confuse my mind for a minute – like picking up a fork and not knowing quite how to work it after using chopsticks.

I mostly wear headphones everywhere so I am oblivious to most noise but my IPod was out of juice the other day and I actually was exposed to mind melting torture. Let me just say for the record, I hate most Christmas music. I am not a Scrooge but you do hit a point in your life where if you hear I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus or The Little Drummer Boy one more time your head might spontaneously combust.  Trust me, you  have not experienced pain until you have heard all your “holiday favorites” sung by Chinese children’s choirs and Canto-Pop princesses accompanied by music that sounds like it is coming out of robot. Everywhere you go they are playing this hideous music at twice the volume they normally use to abuse their customers. Forget waterboarding, just play that music, people will spill the beans in a hurry. So it must have been subliminal Christmas devil music that did me in- I fell into a shopping blackout. Next thing you know I am in coming home with a puppy (relax Gumbo I am not cheating on you exactly).

So now that I am purchasing artificial pets and don’t recognize a the ultimate Fat Man in his red suit, I think it is the exactly the right time for me to head home for a while

So I will be on break for a few weeks but stay tuned as I will be back in time for New Year’s Eve.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Ugh!

Don't Eat From The Toilet

Every day I walk by a giant plush pink poo mascot waving wildly and beckoning people to the latest rage restaurant called “Modern Toilet”. Apparently this restaurant has been featured on CNN, Food Network, etc. After a few weeks of his beguiling, the magical pink poo and his mystical poopie powers managed to hypnotize me into thinking I should try it too. So you know as soon as I had a friend in town I had to try it. I mean it is too stupid to pass up right?

You all can file this one under “duh”!!! But I can tell you that you should NEVER eat at a toilet themed restaurant. Now for those who are asking “whatever possessed you to do such a thing? “ I can only defend myself by saying that curiosity can occasionally get the best of me. What follows is essentially a modern fable of kitsch gone horribly wrong!

Poo is popular

For those of you who are unaware many Asian cultures have a pop culture obsession with poop – poop is cute, natural and nothing to be ashamed of. There are whole comic books devoted to poop, poop charms for your cell phone and finally a whole toilet themed restaurant thanks to two Taiwanese entrepreneurs.

The whole place is fitted out with commodes and sinks, shower heads and pipes line the walls. For added ambience, every ten minutes or so, the sickly Cantonese pop music is interrupted by a loud flushing noise. Sounds totally appetizing right?

Okay if you are not grossed out enough yet maybe having your beverage served in a mini urinal is only slightly less distasteful then having your meal arrive in a bathtub or a toilet. And to follow it up a large “soft serve” chocolate ice cream- plopped ever so artfully in a squat toilet.

This would have all been hilarious if the following weren’t also true:

1. The food and service were incredibly “crappy” - what did I expect?!

2. They don’t serve alcohol of any variety – which makes the whole thing a lot less amusing.

3. My friend Jeffrey on his way to the restroom accidently entered the kitchen where he was abruptly sent to the real restroom (outside the restaurant- the frickin’ place doesn’t even have an actual restroom- what the “?*&$@!*”). He was then told by the bitchy waitress that the signs on the door “aren’t just for decoration you know”.

4. When he opened the door to the real restroom he was greeted by a broken toilet and a bucket (the irony here is painful).

5. Within 20 minutes of leaving “Modern Toilet” BOTH of us were praying that we could get home to my old fashioned toilet – without being too graphic, eating at this place was like someone pulled the fire alarm in our bellies and it was “everybody get out now”. Wow nothing like overpriced diarrhea to end your trip with -sorry Jeffrey.

So the moral of this tale is that eating from the toilet is never in good taste no matter how cute the pink poo-poo may be!

Oh a side note – we ate at a very local cafe in the heart of Kowloon, I don't know what it was really called but we have lovingly nicknamed it the “Blade Runner Café” and didn’t- uh yeah let me emphasize - DID NOT get sick at all… go figure. And the cook there was practically naked while cooking noodles in a hubcap. F*** You Moden Toilet! I want my dignity and my money back!

Go Big or Go Home

This week I welcomed my very first HK houseguests with open arms and in the nick of time too!

Last week I was just really struggling – the newness had worn way off and my exhaustion, at an all time extreme was getting the best of me. Sure it looks like I am just on one adventure after another but in reality, just living here is amazingly hard work – and the work (as in the employment side of it) is just insane.

There are no pictures of my 14 hour work days, no funny stories about two hour conference calls that start at 10 p.m. in the evening.  There is not a way to really describe how one can really truly miss something as mundane as a baked potato, let alone something as crucial as your spouse. And in the days of TARP my friend, the era of expat extravagance is way long gone (crap- another golden age I missed out on).

Having said all this, you might wonder if I am really doing okay here by myself in the wackiness that is Hong Kong. The answer is that depending on the day it can be really wonderful or really hateful – it just depends. But every day I wake up and remind myself that I signed up for this so it’s time to be a big girl (and not in the Sasquatch way of last week) and get on with it. This after all is not a town for wussies!

Just in case you were wondering, sleep and the occasionally dirty martini can work wonders- those things AND a good belly laugh, thank God for my dear friend Jeffrey, who made sure I got all three! Jeffrey showed up just as wide eyed as I was about a month or so ago. Seeing everything through his eyes, it helped me realize that Hong Kong is just so big in so many ways. It  is  pretty easy to get overwhelmed but the best thing to do is fight the weariness and jump back in, with both big feet!

First on the list of big ole Hong Kong attractions was the Big Buddha. It certainly lives up to its name at 110ft tall. The Buddha is so big he must rest his king size rump on atop a high hill, you need to ride these crazy trams across the harbor and up the side of the island just to get to it. These trams, referred to as “Crystal Cabins” have a see through floor- so if you are iffy about heights I wouldn’t recommend this mode of transportation for you.

 If you are a lazy sort you can be satisfied with seeing the Buddha from afar (on a clear day you can see it from Macau). But, if you really want to work those buns and thighs on the way to spiritual enlightenment go ahead and climb the 268 steps to get to get a better view of “His Bigness”.

 And speaking of enlightenment it was tough to get in touch with ancient ways when you have to walk through an “authentic shopping village” – a.k.a. tacky souvenir mall gussied up to look a sound stage from “Kung Fu Panda”.  I wasn't really surprised,  after all the big Buddha was only built in 1993- I have shoes in my closet older than that. Okay do I sound jaded? Maybe I am, just a  wee bit, but it was still pretty cool and the views up there are pretty incredible.

By the way there are other big things we saw on our day out

Really scary big spider

Big drinks make your hands look smaller...they also make you look crazy!

Bigfoot Sighted in Hong Kong

Today is just one of those days; I just have a case of the Hong Kong Blues. After my high of last week being Japan, my personal compass is pointing the other direction at the moment. Can I just tell you I almost had a meltdown trying to find a package of lettuce that wasn’t full of brown soupy decaying leaves and for $9.00  U.S. no less? Lettuce my friends, is a luxury that you shouldn’t take for granted, I know I don’t anymore. I really do love Asian food of every variety but I tell you if I eat just one more noodle this week I might possibly wash it down with kerosene and a match.

I am not sure how the funk started exactly, but it could be that the doors on the inside of the elevator at work have a very shiny mirrored surface. Each morning I look back at myself standing in the elevator with your average Asian-I feel like freaking Sasquatch. Okay I know you are clicking your tongues and shaking your heads wondering if I ever paid attention to the fact that I am bigger than most people in AMERICA?! The answer is a resounding “YES”. I just don’t normally feel like a circus freak –just today.

"Local woman captures Bigfoot"

So back to the lettuce I can’t help being tall but good lord I just wanted to feel healthy and eat a freaking salad- no dice. I ended up eating steamed bok choy (washed and rinsed within an inch of its life – you just can’t be too careful) and a persimmon. Sounds healthy enough, just wasn’t what I wanted at the moment. Damn and my husband sent me all those croutons too. ‘sigh’.

Speaking of food I couldn't help snapping a shot of this menu at a restaurant near my house, I don't think I will ever be quite this hungry

I have no idea what a "Jew's Ear" is, but I don't want to eat it

With Halloween approaching in the states I feel discombobulated because I am not getting that good autumn feeling that comes with pumpkins and the smell of wood smoke. It is still 80 degrees here and I am wistful to wear a sweater, but outside of my house (usually I wear one inside because the air conditioning is always on full blast to keep that humid smell under control). All these things have me flummoxed today. But I take heart in knowing that my first honest to goodness houseguest is coming this Friday and will start a solid month of various visitors. I am sure what I need is some good old fashioned conversation and time spent with the familiar, some of that will do me good. That, and some god damned lettuce!

God I loved Japan

I just returned from my first trip to Tokyo and I just want to say that was a great experience! I have heard for years about how amazing Japan is and it just didn’t sink in until I actually got there. In hindsight I was more than a little burnt out from the incredibly long work hours and non-stop pace of my life since arriving in Hong Kong. Just for perspective, In less than a month I have moved to Hong Kong, started a new job, and spent about 42 hours on planes (that is a full work week just flying, not to mention the additional 20 hours or so I must have spent in airports). So when it came time to go to Tokyo I was just fried- and didn’t really have any enthusiasm for it. But duty calls so off to Tokyo I went.

Sometimes life gives you exactly what you need when you need it and Tokyo was just what the doctor ordered. Japan is busy but orderly, exciting but calming and I don’t know that I have ever encountered more hospitable and dignified people in my life. I absolutely loved it!

Okay maybe everyone doesn't have dignity - I think this may have been a kid's show about poop...I am not sure

So what is it I loved so much? Well first let me say that I had a very busy work schedule (what’s new) and that my schedule prevented me from doing much sightseeing, a big shame. It is easy to fall in love with a place when one is on vacation, enjoying all the sights and having time to wander and savor it all. But, if you fall in love with a place by just walking down the street, eating some food and occasionally popping in a shop between meetings that really speaks volumes.

Can I just say that although I don’t have a single story about someone trying to push me or rip me off or sell me monkey -gut pie, I do have so many so many positive things to say that  you have to pardon me while I gush and crush on Tokyo.

Yummy perfect Bento - this is my dream meal!

So where should I start? The people, amazing, generous and gracious, polite to the extreme – striving to respect those around them and live in harmony even in small spaces. The food is fresh, delicious, well presented and of the highest quality, even at the airport. The commitment to quality is a way of life, you will never be treated better at a hotel or restaurant or shop. And the esthetic of everything is simple, well designed and understated. True things cost a bit more but I couldn’t help but think it was worth every cent.

So the long and short of it is that fortunately Tokyo is very important to my business objectives and I have a lot to do there while I am in Asia. So eventually I will get to see the sights and take in more of what Japan has to offer, but in the meantime I am just grateful for the awesome meal shared with a co-worker, my new found love for Persimmon Sake and the cutest little lucky cat souvenir I have ever seen. Oh yeah and the Mandarin Oriental in Tokyo might just be my new favorite place in the world!

 The view from my hotel room was pretty enticing

"Moshi Moshi Neko" (Hello Kitty)

Singapore Sue and Other Odd Items of Interest

Okay so I have watched too many bad old movies about Asia. Imagine my surprise when I got to Changi Airport in Singapore and it wasn't the opening scene of Singapore Sue - silly American!

The opening scene of Singapore Sue

I just returned after spending most of the week in Singapore. It was really quite a surprising trip as all of my notions what Singapore is and is not were completely blasted out of the water.

Singapore is really quite a beautiful, extremely modern (if not a little dull) country. There are amazing people from many cultures and the food is quite delicious. The infrastructure is fabulous and all the food and water can be consumed without the slightest worry that one will get sick. The bummer is that in the quest to be so modern and so amazing – there isn’t anything very exotic left about it. Hate to say it but most of the time I felt like I was in… Florida.

Okay but that is NOT to say there is not always plenty to look at, do and EAT when you go to new place.

First of all I was fortunate to be in Singapore during the festival of Deepavali. It is a very important Hindu festival that is somewhat like Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve rolled in to one. The ethnic quarter known as Little India (and it isn’t that little trust me) is all done up in sparkling lights and is very festive. Lots of amazing markets just chock full of every devotional type trinket you can think of, garlands of flowers, incense, oil, candy etc. I wandered around for a few hours and then tucked into a super delicious Indian meal more food than I could possibly eat for about $9.00- SUPER!

I also experimented with the Singapore street food, which isn’t on the street anymore because the government moved all those little stands indoors, with air conditioning, health inspections and the happy smiling people of Singapore to slather it with Chili sauce for you. If you have ever wanted to try that tempting piece of “street meat” on a stick but didn’t dare because you didn’t want to do the Pepto Bismol dance later… go ahead – you are in Singapore where it’s all safe in the government approved Hawker Center otherwise known as “a food court of the Gods” And speaking of the Gods, I think I found the food of the Gods- curiously called “Street Sausage” (and no I am not talking Castro Street).

Imagine the delight of a corndog with embedded French Fries in the crust and OF COURSE it is deep fried… delightful!

And next week boys and girls we will discuss the less appetizing aspects of Asian dinning like food and beverages that contain bird saliva - Uh, NOT Kidding. Look it up if you are dubious. Sorry but I just didn't want to try this one.

Click here to learn more about birds nest food..ugh